Senseless - DivX Version (Normal Quality), DVD (Good Quality), PDA Version
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IMDB rating: 5.30 Plot: Darryl Witherspoon is a young black college student who wants to win annual junior analyst competition, which can land him a job in a big brokerage company. He becomes a guinea pig for the drug developed at the college which is promised to heighten all senses by ten times. |
Available versions:
DivX Version (Normal Quality), DVD (Good Quality), PDA Version
Actors: Lillard Matthew,Torn Rip,Wayans Marlon,Spade David,Dourif Brad,McGonagle Richard,Lively Ernie,Lawrence Mark Christopher,Ingle John,Comedy,Romance,
Will someone please review this story (I rate it T+)?
I need someone to review this and let me know what you think. I’d say it’s written for a horror story to suspense. Iknow how I want it to go, bBut I need some reviews to help me:) Thanks!
A scratch at the door…
They all began the same way…
Here at Dominit Police Department, We’ve been getting strange cases of murder. All cases have shown similarities, but there is nothing we know connecting them. All victims are said to have taken in a small grey puppy. Within a month-any family that is said to have taken pity on this dog wound up in the local obituaries. So far seven completely unrelated families have suffered from it. The only survivor is a sixteen year old boy-Ronald Kornor.
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Ronald awoke when he heard the muffled scream of his mother, he clumsily fell out of bed to check on her. But by the time he his hand on his mother’s doorknob, the scream had already turned to a gurgle and then finally stopped. He pushed open the door and stifled a gasp at what he saw. A large hairy Man was looming ovr his mother. One hand holding her throat and the other holding a wicked knife. The blade gleamed in the full moon’s light. Ronald quickly closed the door and began to back away. The sound of footsteps were he ran down the hallway searching for a good place to hide. He could hear his mother’s door creak open. It only creaked when you fully opened it. He wanted to cry out for help. But he knew he couldn’t.
He heard the door to his sister’s room open and shut. But was too frightened to move. He found a supply closet and quickly jumped in. His sister’s scream chilled him to the bone.
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He stayed there till sunrise and only then did he creep out from behind the brooms and mops and into the hallway. No sign of intruder-this was a good thing - only the family dog. It came running up towards him and growled. It jumped up and began biting and clawing him. Ronald beat the dog mercilessly with his hands. But it wouldn’t stop the attack!
The dog had backed him into the arms were flailing trying desperatly to get the mad animal off of him. Finally he felt the end of a iron skillet. Thank god he hadn’t done the dishes last night like his mom had told him!
He beat the living daylights out of the canine with that iron skillet and knocked him senseless and unconscious.
Breathing deeply Ronald stepped cautiously around the pet and walked into his mother’s room. There she was, a thin deep cut straight across her throat. Her pristine white bedsheets forever stained by the deep red blood. Her beautiful auburn hair completely matted together and stiff with the foul liquid. He backed away and ran to get his phone to call the police. "Why Hadn’t i grabbed my phone last night!?" He thought to himself. He retrieved his phone and as he dialed 911 he ran to his sister’s room. She was in the same terrible state as their mother. Her beautiful face and features marred by long scratches and a pained-terrified expression. As Ronald hit the send button on his phone he blacked out.
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He awoke in the hospital, surrounded by police. He didn’t know how or why he was there only that he knew he didn’t want to be. He tried to move but found it was too painful. His body had been severely damaged. His body was throbbing in searing pain with every heartbeat. It was all he could do to open his eyes, He heard them say something about it being a miracle that Ronald Kornor was still alive. Something about bloodloss and severe wounds to the neck, arm, and torso… His mind was still swimming with the events of the previous night, and he couldn’t make much sense out of what he heard…
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"Sargent Kindle!" A Forensics officer came out of the house, "Their all dead, it’s just the same as the others. Family killed in their sleep, No signs of breaking and entering, Yup, seems the same as the rest. You do relize that if he kills another family we won’t be able to keep this from the media. It’ll be known that we have a serial killer on our hands. "
"Yes, I know…" Sergeant Kindle replied as he walked into the building." You were right, Same footprints, same clues, same everything" Kindle replied, "The only difference is the boy." He shook his head as he joined his team inside the mother’s bedroom. From there they followed a trail of bloody footprints to the sister’s room.
"Hey sarge! Take a look at this!" a deputy called out.
Sargent kindle glanced over to where the man was pointing. The footprints appeared to be smaller and closer together than those in the mother’s room. They were leading throughout the house.
"Probably looking for the boy."
Then they walked into the hallway here were many footprints, but they were somewhat deformed. By the time the investigators reached the boy’s bedroom the the tracks didn’t resemble human feet but that of a dog.
Chapter 2
It had been a week since the incident had occurred. Ronalds aunt and uncle had come
Nice try and nice job. I’ll be honest, I can tell that you are a beginner. There are several mistakes besides the spelling and punctuation. Try to stay away from adverbs. (cautiously,clumsily, mercilessly) They add nothing to the story and are always cheap and forced language. "he clumsily fell out of the bed" try "he fell out of the bed" If he fell out of the bed, your reader will automatically feel that his balance is off without you telling them. The key to good writing is to "Show" rather than tell. I think it would help if you picked up a book on writing as well. Stay away from cliches like: "he beat the living daylights out of…" Thats overused and really empty.
"He awoke in the hospital, surrounded by police. He didn’t know how or why he was there only that he knew he didn’t want to be". This is an example of you trying to tell your reader what is going on rather than showing him. To show your reader, use the characters actions to tell the story, not your voice. Here is a rewrite.
"As Ronald opened his eyes, he noticed an I.V. was sticking out of his arm. A cold chill came over his body as he looked down at a sleeveless gown and green bed sheets. Officers were circling the room, and the tension was scary. Ronald wanted to bolt, but he couldn’t move his battered frame"….This is an example of "Showing" details that tell the story instead of telling it. This is how to write better fiction, try it.
Stan | Nov 15, 2009
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: , 19981998, Comedy, Dourif Brad, Ingle John, Lawrence Mark Christopher, Lillard Matthew, Lively Ernie, McGonagle Richard, Romance, Spade David, Torn Rip, Wayans Marlon